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The OFW: Original First Woman

Most people know Adam and Eve, but most people do not know Adam and Lilith. The original first woman. She unlike Eve was created from the earth, just like Adam. So, here we are, investigating, why Lilith had to go.

Abraham: Hello Lilith. How are you doing today? What have you been up to?

Lilith: Well, Abraham, it’s funny you should ask that, I just finished inflicting a baby with a horrible disease before it turned eight days, and if I can get at least one baby in a morning, I know it’s gonna be a good day.

A: Wow, that’s not very nice, why do you do that?

L: Well, it’s what I was created to do. I didn’t realize it until I was expelled from the Garden, and then when I was wandering the earth, and discovered my calling.

A: Now, that’s where the real meat of the story is, why’d you leave the Garden?

L: Honestly, I just couldn’t handle Adam anymore. Adam doesn’t like anyone to challenge his authority. You know, I was made of the same substance as him, so there was no reason for me to be his inferior, and I was not about to lie below him, I mean have you seen the guy, he’s on the hefty side I’d say, anyway, Adam just couldn’t handle me. I don't need to lie below him in sex, we are equals, plus how boring. I’m a lot tougher than that girl he ended up with. Eve, I mean come on, the girl wouldn’t know a snake if it bit her. I got a second chance to go back, God really wanted me, but I just didn’t think it was the right place for me.

A: So you still feel justified in leaving the Garden?

L: Well, yeah, I mean neither of us was ever gonna compromise, so I just said the Lord’s name and vanished. And maybe I don’t exactly take the cake for morality since I inflict young children with disease, but at least I didn’t cause the fall of humankind.

A: That's true. Did you ever want to return to the Garden?

L: Nope, I mean three angels even came to me and tried to get me to return to the Garden. They told me 100 of my children would die each day, I said, I don't care, I was made to kill infants. And now I have 100 children a day all of whom bring "evil" to the world. But even I have a heart, don't tell too many people, if you put an amulet around your child's neck with the names or pictures of Senoy, Sansenoy and Semangelof (the three angels who came to see me) then your child will be safe.

A: Oh, don't worry, I won't let it out. I've also heard you have something to do with a certain phenomenon common in young men.

L: You're referring to the succubus thing? Sure, maybe I have sex with men while they are sleeping. Maybe some of my daughters do too, but lilim is as lilim does. Wasting seed is just as important as killing those infants. Plus, this way I get to be on top. I know some monks try to avoid my visit by holding a cross and their hands in front of their penises, but believe me that won't prevent anything.

A: Are you in a relationship?

L: Oh what a fun and original question. Make sure you let your readers know that was sarcasm. But if you must know I am. I'm having a lovely non-monogamous relationship with a man named Samuel. You might know him by his other name. It's Satan.

A: OHHHH, what's that like?

L: Well, he's Satan, ummm...the Devil...so that makes me the Queen of the realms of Evil and Darkness, how many women can claim that? I think it's pretty great.

A: I guess for some it is. But don't you think it might be nice to be good for a change?

L: Okay, Abraham, so, here's the thing, you say I am evil. And I will admit the killing is evil, but the real reason that I am perceived as evil is that I could and wanted to be independent of Adam. I told him I would not do as he wanted. I would not lie under him always, and Adam and all men were challenged by my independence, they couldn't take that I might not need a man, they couldn't take that I too wanted sex.

A: Well, come on not all women. I mean just the whorish, evil ones.

L: Sure, not all women, but many many women do want sex. It's just that men think that female sexuality will somehow disturb the entire universe. And frankly at this point it might, because the system has been built around it's absence. I mean honestly, this is why so many people don't even know about me. Men are so scared of female sexuality they just combined me with that foolish woman Eve. And I am no fool. I am an independent woman who will choose to do whatever I want to do with my life and with my body. And yes, perhaps I kill children, or perhaps those children are just not adequately cared for by their parents or perhaps some of them just die of natural causes because God is not so good after-all and everyone is just looking for someone to blame. So naturally they choose--

A: I think that's about enough Lilith.

L: to blame it on another thing they can't understand or don't want to with their puny--

A: Thank you Lilith

L: Patriarchal brains.

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