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YASSS QUEEN! How to go from a sidepiece to a mainpiece in 11 easy steps


Hello, everyone! Well, my predecessor gave you a bit of advice on going from being a side-piece to a main-piece, but I don’t know if you’ve heard the news…her head has been chopped off. And now I, Jane Seymour, am Queen. So…you may want to think a bit before you follow her advice…just saying :) PLUS I have fewer steps. So, mine is even easier, I mean not as easy as she was OHHHHHHH!

1. Be virginal: This works especially well if his current wife is rumored not to be. Men, especially powerful men like Kings don’t want to think they are being compared to other men at all, but especially in bed. Plus, whether you like it or not, our society prizes virginity in women above basically everything else. So, even if those men at court or wherever you are are trying to get under your corsets that doesn’t mean they want their wife to be the kind of woman who flips up her petticoats at the merest suggestion. And even if you do it for the guy you are trying to marry it may leave him wondering did she do this for anyone else before me.

2. Reject gifts and don’t open letters: Say you come from “good honorable parents” and that you have “no greater riches than my honor” and you would only accept such things (or give what you know he wants) if you were assured of an “honorable match.” This goes along with being virginal and makes it clear you are not in it for the money…even if you might be in it for the power.

3. Play up demureness aka seem like a door mat: You don’t have to be one. I mean if you are, then all the better for you I guess, much easier to seem like one.

4. Get rumors going about how his current wife is a slut: This will be especially easy if she did not abide by step 1, that one can really come back to haunt you.

5. Get rumors going about how she is a slutty witch: This is especially easy if she is smart, talkative and has a little nub that might be a sixth finger. If she did not play up her doormat qualities then she is very susceptible to rumors of witchcraft. Everyone knows the more you engage in intellectual discussion as a woman the more likely you are a witch.

6. Get rumors going about how she is a slutty incestuous witch: She needs to have a brother for this one, a sister could work I suppose, might even work better. But this really puts the nail in the coffin, is the child she had with her husband not just not his but also a product of incest. Plus EWWWWW

7. Get secretly married shortly after wife is divorced or killed: Divorced is fine. Killed is better, more permanent.

8. Keep playing up virtue: For instance I took as my motto “bound to obey and serve.” It really nails it home that I don’t want any trouble.

9. Make your ladies or servants or friends look virtuous like yourself: This also helps make sure your husband does not have a wandering eye for other women’s…assets. Make sure they are obedient and willing to be governed (doesn’t work as well with friends, they don’t always like to be governed). NO French fashions, just English dress, the French are notoriously good at seduction.

10. When husband says don’t meddle in my affairs listen so you won’t die, even if there is evidence of treason against you: Pretty self-explanatory. That’s what I did and it literally saved my life. There were some letters about some restoration of the Catholic Church in England, but sometimes you must live to fight another day.

11. Have a son: This makes you virtually untouchable. No one wants to kill the mother of the future king or whoever is your husband. They need to carry on the family line, and what kind of thing is it when that boy finds out his mother is gone because his father wanted some other chick. That simply won’t happen (it only works for sons, daughters not so much).

Well, that is where I’m at. Hoping that this son comes through and then I can get started on the final phase of my plan. To restore the Catholic church. Hoping my honey Henry will give me whatever I want if I have his son and heir.

Anywayz…love you…toodles…good luck in all your endeavors…remember don’t do anything a doormat wouldn’t do!

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