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YASSS QUEEN! How to go from a sidepiece to a mainpiece in 15 steps


Hello everyone,

That’s right it’s me. Anne Boylen. Queen of England. The king’s consort. Love me or Hate me you gotta respect what I did. I mean I frickin’ shaped England. Before me England was Catholic. Now we don’t care about the pope (yes I lowercased that on purpose). Whatever, you all know that already, but I bet you’re wondering how I did it. How did I go from ordinary mistress to QUEEN?

Well, here’s a little advice, and I can guarantee if you have your eyes on any Baron, Duke, or King they will be yours. Except of course dear sweet Hal :)…don’t even think about it >:(.

1. Go to court (or wherever the desired man is): You simply cannot get the man of your dreams if he does not know who you are. Bonus points if you go at a time when he is less satisfied in his marriage or current relationship.

2. Get people talking: Draw attention to yourself by being different. For instance wear French clothes, this makes men think you do other things French women might do. I spent time in the French court, this gave me a more alluring quality than many other ladies in court. Now at first this meant that I had some affairs with other men…before setting my sights on the king…I would not recommend this. It’s good to flirt with other men, after all you must get them talking and make sure you are desired by all and thus only accessible to the best, but don’t go too far, this could come back to haunt you. *fingers crossed*

3. Do something special for attention: Like bring a suit before the king, that works, he’s gotta look at you then. Perform in a masque. Virtue or Sin you can win.

4. Once he likes you, be witty, be charming, be amazing: You don’t have to be conventionally pretty to get the man of your dreams. Just charm the pants off him (but not quite yet ;)).

5. DON’T HAVE SEX: This is the most important one. If you have sex with him you will be like every other mistress. Don’t worry, I’m not saying do nothing. He can still kiss your little duckies. In fact, you should do something with him, give him a little taste, but just enough to have him hankering for more. Stay charming and stay (mostly) chaste.

6. Build up the anticipation: Not having sex won’t work if he doesn’t care. You need to make sure that it is all he thinks about. Always be there until he really wants you to be. Make sure it seems like you are not having sex because you actually think virginity is important, this will make you seem traditionally virtuous and also will give him a harder time arguing with you (remember it doesn’t actually matter if you are actually a virgin, all those “tests” are bs anyway).

7. Bring up the topic of marriage: Let him know just how much you wish you could have sex, but you could only agree to such a thing if you were married.

8. Do whatever it takes to get that divorce: If this means pointing out how few sons he has, do that. If this means telling him the pope doesn’t matter do that. Remind him he is in charge of his own destiny. And also, that people should be able to read Bibles in their own language. Look for reasons the divorce could be valid, like if his wife used to be married to his brother.

9. Start the mockery: Once he has started the divorce process a bit of light mockery of his wife is in order, if only to relieve all that tension you are feeling.

10. Secret marriage: Have a secret marriage (maybe in another country, France is good) once you are pretty sure that either you can get a divorce through a preexisting structure or just create your own. Either way, get some witnesses and get your marriage bound before the eyes of God.

11. Sex.

12. Get pregnant: You need to be pregnant so he cannot renege on that marriage. Don’t be too public, but you can subtly hint at it to such people as his current wife. Make sure that he knows you think this one is a son. This will speed up the divorce process.

13. Change the religious system: Let’s face it, the Catholic Church is an arcane institution with little respect for women or for many of the people who follow it, so just abandon it make your man head of the Church and he will love you even more for suggesting that he deserves even more power than he has.

14. Become Queen: or whatever lesser title you are attempting

15. Have a son: For him this will mean he won’t feel a need for another wife. Even though let’s face it women can get a lot more done anyway.

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